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Old news, but still relevant.youvehearditnow_banner
Monday, 19th September, 2005

Water’s history causes concern
by William Anker

Perth scientists have found a way to make drinking water that will fit any shape stomach but fear the news will be overshadowed by their grim finding about the water a footbrawl team is drinking.


“It happened when the Sydney Swans were in Perth recently” said a spokesperson. “They asked us to check their drinking water. You need to drink a lot of water in Perth, and they wanted to make sure it was safe. We still need to do more tests, but we can be almost positively definite about the water the Sydney Swans are drinking. Some of those water molecules also passed through Julius Caesar.”


“We have notified the Australian Footbrawl League of our findings and had planned a full press release for this Saturday morning. We can honestly deny knowing the Swans were playing in a footbrawl match on the same day. We were just acting on the best advice available. We certainly would not want the Swans players puking their guts out when they found out where their water had been.”


The spokesperson continued: “Perth scientists are very proud of finding a way to make drinking water that will fit any shape stomach. We do it by melting ice. It is a simple method but we are hoping to patent it so we can finance research into identifying molecules. The AFL is very keen to find out just which ones were in Julius Caesar and take them out.”


“You’ve Heard It Now” is unable to confirm a rumour that an emergency meeting of the AFL Tribunal on Saturday morning will suspend for one game every player of the West Coast Eagles team on the charge that their participation is prejudicial to the interests of the Extended Victorian Footbrawl League.



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